Step by sweet step

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path. 

Psalm 119:105

This verse speaks volumes to me right now. God has been so faithful in directing my steps these past few weeks. He is opening doors and closing doors and affirming me in the direction I should go. I am so incredibly thankful. I have to say that though some closed doors have brought heartache, I have to be grateful that God has answered my prayer. If I truly want to follow Him and surrender my personal desires, than I have to be prepared to accept his authority over my life. I have to trade my tears for the hope of His plan which is greater than any plan I can devise on my own. Sometimes it gets hard because I become impatient and want to know immediately the outcome of certain situations, but it is in these days, weeks, months of waiting that I am trying to grow into a woman of wisdom and patience. I want to become more like my African friends who rely on Him for their every need. They rely on Him when they see Him and when they don't. I also want to always remember to be grateful. Today I am especially grateful for: 

God's sovereignty

faithful prayer warriors

financial provision

health and protection

and an amazing Shepherd who has divine goodness and mercy throughout my life and forever!

Lead me to the Cross

This past weekend I went to the lake with some of my best friends from college. A couple of times one of my friends noticed that I seemed more quiet and reserved since coming back from Africa. She was right, I have actually recognized it about myself as well. But the truth is, I have just had so much on my heart lately. Over the last few weeks, I have found myself faced down before God just praying for His wisdom and for his guidance in my life. I so desperately want His will and not my own, however when faced with such life altering decisions, sometimes its hard to differentiate His voice among the numerous voices surrounding me. Especially when certain voices are those with whom I have a great deal of respect. 

What do you do when God may be asking you to do something that seems crazy maybe even irrational by worldly standards? It is really hard...lately there have been a lot of questions, a lot of tears, and uncertainty but if I sit with it long enough I hear "Trust Me...." And isn't this how we were designed to live? Constantly on our knees, looking to him, seeking His will, and searching for our security in Him alone? I know why I don't put myself in these positions more often...because it is scary and uncomfortable to not know how things are going to turn out. But the reality of it is, no matter how cushioned I think I am...I still don't know how things are going to turn out!  So why am I scared? Jesus says throughout scripture "Do not be afraid." 

So I cling to the fact that I am His...and it's not about me, everything is about Him. He will make my paths straight as long as I am keeping my eyes on Him. I know that He loves me and has a plan for me. What an awesome God that he reveals Himself in His time not to frustrate or worry me but because He longs for a relationship with me. He wants me to trust Him so that he can just be who He is...the Mighty King of all creation! 

So when I'm tired, confused, lonely or lost, its often because im trying to live out of my own flesh. God lets me fight those little battles to remind me of my need for Him....He leads me to the Cross where my soul finds rest...

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

My plane touched down in Atlanta last Monday and my life has been spinning ever since. The first thing I see as I am walking toward baggage claim is two security gaurds riding alongside each other on bicycles wearing helmets. I laugh out loud to myself and wish I was with someone to say "I am definitely back in America." :)

The transition has been ok, fortunately jet lag has not really effected me. But I am experiencing a little reverse culture shock. The other day my mama, sister, and I went Christmas shopping and I realized just how quickly and easily one can slip back into that consumeristic mindset. I saw this dress and it was like something came over me and in my head I was like "i NEED that dress!" I started thinking about the shoes I would wear with it, the jewelry..oh that would look so good... I resisted buying the dress and as soon as I got to the car I was fine and back to the mentality of I have way too much stuff already. But it did not take long to slip back into all the temptations we face here in our culture to have something new, to get dressed up and look pretty.  

I know many of you are wondering what my next step is... And as of now I am not entirely positive. The one thing I do know for sure is I will be returning to Africa, I am just not sure when. My heart is for the country of Zimbabwe. I know it is in the news a lot right now and with the violent tactics of the thug militias and cholera outbreaks all over the country it makes it a scary place. But what the news does not report is that 1 out of every 3 children are orphans! And everyday at least 20 corpses of newborn babies are found thrown away or even flushed down the toilets and that is just in Harare ALONE! Unless you have access to USD or the South African Rand it is impossible to buy even the simplest of necessities, they can't farm because they don't have seeds. They are STARVING! Thousands of orphans...NO FOOD! 

During my last week in Arusha I was able to attend a conference with Young Life leaders from all over Africa. By His grace, six leaders from Zimbabwe were there. I had met all of them during my time at Chris and Norma's farm in 2007. It was a beautiful reunion! We talked a lot about the situation on the ground and what some of the purest needs are. Nkosi, 23 year old who grew up as a child head of the house himself said what the children need even before food is just someone who cares. He said the people feel like the world has turned their backs on Zimbabwe. Even while he was in Tanzania, all people wanted to talk about was the inflation rate and cholera....no one really asked "How are YOU doing?" 

Please join me in praying for this country. Pray that the Holy Spirit would nudge the hearts of other African leaders to step up and challenge President Robert Mugabe. Pray for courage for all of the people living under these harsh conditions and that they would continue to hold on. Pray for the mamas and widows who are doing the best they can with the overwhelming numbers of children in their villages. Pray for the NGOs who are still there trying to make a difference. And lastly pray mightily that Jesus would pour His grace upon the whole country; that he will bring his people back from captivity; he will bring health and healing to Zimbabwe and let the people enjoy abundant peace and security just like he did for Israel! 

Have a Merry Christmas and may you see His blessings always!

Nkosi, Sindie, Lims, Nkotula, Quentin, and Patson

My Heroes!!!!

Lusaka, Zambia

Hallie has gone back to America and I am now flying solo...I am in Lusaka, Zambia staying with Chris and Norma Ferguson. I met Chris on my first trip to Africa, where he spoke to our group about the horrific conditions of his home country Zimbabwe. His bold words of the basically negligent western world and our obsessions with ourselves were extremely convicting. He challenged us with TRUTH and filled our hearts with the words of Jesus where he calls us to the poor and suffering.

He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God. Proverbs 14:31

Last summer, I was blessed enough to go and visit Zimbabwe and see for myself the state of the country; and it is most definitely a struggling nation. But it was wonderful to be there...I met Chris' wife Norma and spent an incredible week on their farm, feeding orphans, transporting people to clinics, and praying with the dying. It was heavy...but I felt God there in a way I had never felt Him before.

Chris and Norma now live in Zambia due to the crisis and I will be here with them for two more weeks! We have visited three orphanages here and having lived in Africa for most of their lives, they have a plethora of knowledge to help me with Takes A Whole Village. I am so grateful that God has brought them into my life.

I will be home in December in time for Christmas and I look forward to sharing more with each of you in person. I continue to thank God for all of you...what an amazing group of supporters...im humbled.

I always have to steal my kisses from you

Since leaving Cradle of Love, we have said goodbye to Christy and Stephanie who have gone to spend the rest of their time in South Africa. We miss them, but know they are continuing to impact the kingdom through their love for the children of Africa!

Hallie and I meanwhile have left Arusha as well and are currently in Kigali, Rwanda. Let me just say every time I think an experience cannot be topped (cradle of love) God just goes and outdoes Himself. :) Luckily, one of our YL committee families happened to go to Rwanda in June and told me that I had to meet the director of this organization called New Hope. The idea is to put orphans in a home with a family like setting as opposed to an orphanage. The idea is absolutely brilliant and is similar to what i had in mind for my own organization: Takes a Whole Village. To get to see how this idea is played out on a daily basis has blessed me immensely and has provided a great model for my own initial vision!

The older children preparing to sing us a song...

Hallie and I got the awesome opportunity to actually live in one of the houses. There were ten kids ranging in age from 1-8 years old. It was a little awkward at first as none of the adults spoke any english - NONE! Our only communication was through hand signals and facial expressions...it got pretty humorous at times. The older children were kind of intimidating and to be honest, Hallie and I were a little nervous.

We woke up on our first morning to find most of the kids gone. The mamas were busy doing laundry, cleaning, and running around while several of the smaller children tottled around

outside or simply lay in their cribs. We did not know what was going on or what we were suppose to do and we finally realized the older kids must be at school. After playing with the babies for a little while we decided to hop on motorcycle taxis (sorry mama) and go to town to get some groceries. When we got back, thankfully the older kids were home and we could finally speak to some people in english and start trying to get to know them a little better.

The next day we met the Director, who is from Rwanda but speaks fluent English and was incredibly helpful in explaining how the organization works. She has hired a primary school teacher to teach all of the children of New Hope and their classroom was just up the street from where we were staying. She encouraged us to go to school and help out in the classroom. This is where we really started bonding with the children. We played heads-up seven up, hang man on the chalkboard, read with them, did arts and crafts and just loved on them. W

e would walk them home from school and then eat dinner with them...walls starting coming down and next thing you know I'm attached to a whole new set of children. Oh great......I can already tell im going to have to experience another bout of separation anxiety.

But I do have to say that there is something about these children that surprised me. I was absolutely obsessed with the older boys in the house..Typically, im more drawn to girls...I have never been very good with boys, not really knowing what to do with them. I am about as girlie as it gets and I have always found little boys to be too rambuctious for me. But there was something about these four that i just loved! Isaac and Sande are 8 years old and Lionel and Innocent are 6 years old. And they just stole my heart...especially Isaac. As the oldest, he was the most responsible and you could tell was the house leader. He was the one that would

 always come get us for lunch or dinner and he was the mama's little translator for us. I could spend hours outside with them just kicking the soccer ball until it was time for dinner. I began to notice what a difference there is between little boys and girls. One of the little girls who I loved, named Peace, always wanted affirmation and affection. She was constantly looking for open approval, but the boys were so different. I would look over and see Sande or Isaac holding one of the babies or loving on the younger ones and I would just want to go smother them with smooches because it was so cute, but I know they didnt want attention in that way. But I would catch them answering a question right at school and when they would look over at me and smile as to say "did you see that?" I knew they did want affirmation but just in different way. I just loved how they were such boys! :) When Isaac would come in to to say goodnight it was all that much sweeter because its not as expected.

Peace and My Isaac

One of my favorite memories (maybe of my whole life) was at the end of a school day when the teacher asked Sande to pray. I watched every single child in that room (4-8 year olds) either bow their head, put their face in their hands, or simply lift their heads to the sky while Sande prayed for literally 4 or 5 minutes. It was so long that Hallie and I kept hitting each other and wondering what this precious child was praying. I was humbled at the fact that an eight year old was this thankful and this prayerful...it was BEAUTIFUL!!!!! It was such a wonderful reminder that I too must enter the kingdom this way - like a child.

Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom 

of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth anyone who does not recieve the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. - Luke 18:16-17

On our last night we threw them an ice cream party with cookies and the whole room started cheering with excitement. I think maybe the mamas and aunties were more excited than anyone. :) We attended one last day of school with them and after walking home chanting a cheer we made up for them we had to start packing up. When Isaac came to tell us our taxi was here...i thought "Already?!" I wasn't ready to say goodbye. But we put our packs on and for those who did not understand when we said we had to leave, understood now. They all followed us to the car and while we were hugging each of them indivdually I looked around a

nd did not see My Isaac. So I went back inside the gate and saw him on the other side. I grabbed him and just told him what a good boy he is and how much i would miss him. But he uncharacteristically pulled away from me and then I realized he didnt want me to see him cry. Which of course only brought tears to my own eyes but I just walked back outside the gate because i didnt want to lose it in front of him in fear it would only make the situation harder. Gosh, I can't keep doing this goodbye thing. It's horrible!

As our car pulled away Hallie and I watched outside the back window only to see Innocent who is the "toughest" of all (He would always duck our goodnight kisses and squirm when we tried to hug him) fall to a squat with his face in his arms and he too was crying. This was in a lot of ways harder than leaving COL because the children are older and they understood. Plus I 

dont think they get as many volunteers. This experience was extremely influential for 

me and God revealed himself to me in so many ways here in Rwanda. I give him all of the thanks and all of the praise! Stay tuned.........

Sande (the future pastor), Doreen, and Fabiola

The night before life goes on....

I can't believe our time at Cradle of Love is over. It seems like yesterday when we were the new volunteers just trying to learn all the names of the babies and nannies and now we are leaving family. I tried to savor every moment of our last night with them. The last time we would give them their nightly bath, the last bedtime story, the last time we would watch them run around in their matching pajamas doing the hokey pokey. And the last time I would lay my sweet Neema down in her crib. My heart literally aches when I think of how much I am missing them already...

Some of my Favorite Memories:

Stepping out of our apartment and coming down the stairs with the children in the backyard chanting our names.

Taking one or two of them with us down to the street shop and letting them be adored by all the people that passed them on the street.

Going out at night and passing the window to the kitchen where the nannies would sit around the table after the kids are in bed and they would "Ohhh and Ahhhhh" because they were so used to seeing us in scrubs.

Picking berries and fruit off the trees and hearing all the little voices "And me..." "And me..." because the two fist fulls were just never enough.

Our gaurd forever trying to teach us kiswahili by making us tell him where we were going every time we left the gate.

Singing the blessing before every meal and how the babies would clap their little hands and shout "yayyyy."

I could not have been more blessed by my experience these past three months. Despite the fact that there is a little hole in my heart as I move on, I am so grateful that I am getting to live a life that is so rich that it can evoke emotions as deep as this one has for me. I will never forget these little people or the incredibly strong women who care for them on a daily basis.

To all of you who have contributed to my being here, I am eternally grateful. I can't wait to see what God has in store for my next few months! He is ALIVE and humbles me daily! Thanks for walking with me through this amazing journey...

Joshua at bath time...loving it!

You have no idea how hard it was to get this picture. I must have taken 20 and this one the only one I got where where they were all in the frame. They thought it was so funny to keep running around. Such hoodlums....Love them!!

From Left: Big Maria, Rachel, Salimu, Joshua, and Neema

The day these sweet nannies presented me with a traditional African Kitenge (cloth)

Nanny Neema who took especially good care of us. I will miss her so much.

Baby Hope and Baby Lawrence in their bunk cribs. Look at those little eyes!! :)

Too Many....

Today was an amazing day. Let me preface it with a little background information...

Meredith has become a friend of ours because she was planning to adopt a baby girl from Cradle of Love. However, Helena was one of the ones who we took to the clinic to be tested for HIV. (Please see post "Dream Maker"). Well, we got the tests back and all FOUR babies tested positive for the virus. It was a heart-breaking day at COL and Meredith was of course devastated. A couple of weeks later, we took them all back for a follow-up visit, and a different doctor told us that we may have been misinformed about the kind of test they were given. Turns out that three of the babies viral loads (Bahati, Clinton, and Helena) were so low that it led the doctor to believe that it was simply infected anti-bodies received from their mothers, and there is still a chance they could be virus free! 

So we immediately contact Meredith to tell her that there is a glimmer of hope that she could still take Helena home. Only Meredith who thinks Helena is no longer an option, informs us that her social worker has discovered that there is another pregnant woman with AIDS who has agreed to relinquish her baby to Meredith. In addition to that, the social worker also introduced her to two orphaned children 3 and 6 who are living with their 90 year grandmother in a mud hut that may fall down if there is one more storm. 

Ok this brings us up to date with where we are today. Meredith, Hallie, and I took Ema (6), Opportuna (3), and Helena (4 months) to all get tested for AIDS. It is extremely difficult to bring home to America an AIDS baby, so Meredith just wanted to know what she was up against. Helena's mother was infected, delivered vaginally, and breastfed which gives her a 40% chance of contracting the disease. We do not know as much about Ema and Opportuna but they are cousins. Ema's mother died when he was only 7 days old and they never knew who the father was. His grandmother is the only relative he has left. Opportuna's mother and father are both still living but the father is in his seventies and unemployed and the mother left her with her grandmother never to be seen again.

We pick up the social worker and the three of us drive out on horribly bumpy roads until we reach the sticks and mud "house" where the family lives. The grandmother sits in a chair peeling greens surrounded by neighbors and the two precious children. Ema is eager to come with us, but Opportuna is a little more cautious. We explain that we are going to get them both tested at the clinic and then we will bring them home. 

We all pile in Meredith's tiny Rav 4  with each of us a baby on our lap. When it was our turn to see the doctor, I felt terrible as I held Opportuna while they pricked her finger and squeezed the blood onto a test kit. She was crying probably wondering why these white strangers have come and taken her away from all she knows to hurt her. We bought them lollie pops as we waited for their results. About 10 minutes later they come and inform us that baby Helena is still testing positive, but she is still so young that there is hope she will end up being healthy. And as for Ema and Opportuna, they are both NEGATIVE. We were so excited.

I have to tell you a little bit about each of these children. Ema is a very special little boy, I was with him for only a couple of hours today but I can just tell there is something different about him. You know he is bright and he is longing to be loved. He smiles and snuggles and would have gone home with any of us. You can tell he is ready for more. For six years he has lived in a tiny mud hut never having any parents...can you imagine it? He has this special spirit that just makes you want to be near him. I wondered how I could already love someone so much that I had literally just met.....

Opportuna is younger and a lot more unsure of her surroundings with us. She would not smile, she simply observed cautiously. But she is beautiful and with a little love and attention I know she would blossom into a bubbly little girl. She has grown up not being held, never rocked, hardly touched, you can understand why she seems so distant and emotionless. 

Because of Tanzanian law, Meredith can only take two. She feels committed to the new born and if Helena turns out negative she will most likely take her as well. But she wants to help Ema and Opportuna because their situation is desperate. She is looking into orphanages for them...but that is not enough!! They need a mama and a daddy. Or atleast one. Tears stream down my face as I write this because sadly this is the situation of so many children here. The social worker knows many many more children in USA River (where we live) living with elderly grandparents who are just too old to properly care for them and will most likely pass away before they even hit their teens. I think about all the children in just this village who live this way, and then I think of how many there are in all of Tanzania. It's too overwhelming to even think about the numbers on the whole continent. And in a way these children are worse off than even those in orphanages because as their grandparents pass away they will just disappear into who knows what...street life, prostitution, deeper poverty, etc. 

My life is better today because of meeting these two children because it reaffirms why God has called me here. To be a voice for these children, to be a light for them, for them to be a light to me. Between the three of us, we are going to in some way help Ema and Opportuna, but for all the others I hope and pray for a more promising future....

Ema, Opportuna, Helena all with the 90 year old grandmother

At the clinic, after we discovered they were negative! 

Ema and I in the waiting room...He would sit with me and hold my hand. At one point I put my arm around him and he scooted closer to me. I just wanted to scoop him up and keep him forever. He is so dear!! 

The mud hut where Ema and Opportuna are currently living with their grandmother.